Saturday, May 18, 2013

Enjoy Life with Short Funny Clean Jokes & Quotes

'Just chill your life with some of the best short clean hilarious funny jokes & quotes because they are too good to make your day. It is really very easy if you you make your mind to do so.'

Mikey: Have you ever seen Lie Detector Machine?
Julius: Yes, Last month I got married her!

Doctor: How's your headache?
Patient: She is fine!;)

Make it little more over-dramatic....to match with my stock performance.

Our poll prediction is at a variance with the exit poll which is difference than the post exit poll.. and I am still wondering about the final result!
Here, he simply portrays the behavior of all human beings. We all know the result of our actions but still we expect something magical to be happened. Why we try to fool ourselves? We just need to get up and accept the facts so that we could avoid ourselves from being a matter of fun for everyone!

What we need is a more personalized service from your ad-agency. A few valets at our beck and call will just do fine!

When you need a friend, text me. When you need a laugh, It's a call away. Need money.... I am not reachable!

I told you that we value experience and that is why you are being given the used company vehicle.

What luck! Even a fortune cookies delivers me a pink slip!

What if there were no search engines? Great question, wait.. let me search it!

I am ready to take the moral responsibility, boss... I've now got a better job!

I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years, I'll make sure I'm not there.

I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Mahatma Gandhi

The management has decided to increase your responsibility. You'll now prepare a status report on status report on daily basis.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

Police Officer: Do you speak English?
Katie: Yes.
Officer: Where are you from?
Kati: Yes.

How do you know your kitchen is filthy?
The slugs leave trails on the floor that read "Clean me."

A clean tie always attracts the soup of the day.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

My friend told me I have anger management problems... So I hit him over the head with a chair.

What I like about you is that you remind me about when I was young and stupid.

Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!

What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes?
He burped 7-Up.

He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss.

Men are beasts, and even beasts don't behave as they do.

That moment when you hear someone call your best-friend their best-friend and you're like... "Ummmmm, no bitch.?
After losing a breaststroke in woman's swimming competition, the blonde complained that the other competitors were using their arms.

Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can't.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 15 minutes?
It said "concentrate".

Secret = something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

Typing lol, when you're sitting there with less expression than a brick.

I wish cancer got cancer and died.

I bet people who work at Starbucks think, "So damn tired of these kids coming in here and taking pictures of their coffee."

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs.

May I take your order?" the blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy:Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy :No, mine is undying love.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

A man goes to the doctor and says: Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.
What do you mean? Doctor asks
Him: When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.
I got to know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger! Doctor replies.

People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

She's the first in her family born without tail.

When butterflies get nervous, do they feel humans in their stomach?

What’s an eight-letter word with all the letters in it?
Alphabet

What did the pony say when it had a sore throat?
I apologize, I am a little horse.

An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Hey, where's my tractor?"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Why is a classroom like an old car?
Simply because it is full of nuts, and has a crank at the front.

"I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night."
- James Thurber - US Writer, Humorist, and Cartoonist

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fssssssshhhhhh.

Where do geologists go for entertainment?
To rock concerts.

A skeleton walked into a bar. "What will it be?", asked the bartender. "I'll have a beer and a mop," said the skeleton.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Albert Einstein

What is a prehistoric monster called when it sleeps?
A dinoSNORE!

A word beginning with Z.
Xylophone..

What do you call a lion who wears an ascot?
A dandelion!

Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!

Kid: For $10, I’ll be good.
Father: Lol, When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

What did the candle say when he was down on his luck?
I’m at wick’s end.

What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!

Boss comes and you are mad finding that one tab out of those 15 tabs to find out from where the music is coming! Hahaha

Fun doesn't end here, continue entertaining yourself and others, you just need to have that will to crate fun..

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