I approved

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Honesty

Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.

More Fools

July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.

Ugliest Woman

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Musical Emergency

We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency.

A banker

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Crops up

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.