Clean Funny Quotes & Jokes to Enjoy Life

'Just chill your life with some of the best short clean hilarious funny quotes & jokes because they are too good to make your day. The mileage of life is calculated by your laughs per hour and doing this is really very easy if you make up your mind to do so. It is never too late to have full of fun today because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is never promised.'

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.



"You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

"To succeed in life, You need 3 bones; Wishbone, Backbone and a Funny Bone."

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. by-Judy Garland

1.) Police: We catches one full truck load of whiskey!
Officer: Good, now arrange one truck soda and one truck of something to eat!

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. -Winston Churchill

If someone calls you immature, just reply - as you say but I know how to have Fun so in today's menu, our meal will be only and only FUN!

Male: You look so cool and sweet today!
Female: Was I looking uncool and sour yesterday!

The confusing moment when you just broken with your gf, update the status to single and she likes..

"It irritates me when she sits down and her legs flatten out to approximately the size of a country!"

Best way to stop time: kiss
Ultimate way to travel in time: Read
Awesome way to escape time: Music
Nice way to fear time: Write
And smart way to waste time: Social Media.

"The New 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong."

A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime." Credit- Sam Ewing

Son: Mom , I am not feeling sleepy - can you tell a story?
Mom: Dear, even I am not feeling sleepy, you father has not yet come home! When he will come, I will ask him why he is so late? Than listen lot of stories he tells..

Cat: How old are you?
Elephant: 4 years..
Cat: Wow, how big you are..
Elephant: I am a complain boy! but how old are you?
Cat: 20 Years!
Elephant: Oh, you look so young!
Cat: Olay age miracle. Increasing age pauses..

From morning, my wife running after me with a knife in her hand...
What was my mistake - I just said that you can see my heart - inside - it has your name only...:()

"Female to another: Did you know that till 25 year I had no child..Another woman: OMG, Than?Female: That I got married..."

"Every woman should have four pets in her life: a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything."
~Paris Hilton

One boy and girl were having a ride and suddenly rain starts..
Guess.. what happens!
Girls make up washed away and boy runs out of fear..
'Here a satire/comment on modern need of having lot of fashion and hiding the reality. Haha, but this naughty rain reveals it well..

Always help a person who is using his mobile while crossing road..:)) Being human!

Mikey: Have you ever seen Lie Detector Machine?
Julius: Yes, Last month I got married her!

Doctor: How's your headache?
Patient: She is fine!;)

Make it little more over-dramatic....to match with my stock performance.

Our poll prediction is at a variance with the exit poll which is difference than the post exit poll.. and I am still wondering about the final result!
Here, he simply portrays the behavior of all human beings. We all know the result of our actions but still we expect something magical to be happened. Why we try to fool ourselves? We just need to get up and accept the facts so that we could avoid ourselves from being a matter of fun for everyone!

What we need is a more personalized service from your ad-agency. A few valets at our beck and call will just do fine!

When you need a friend, text me. When you need a laugh, It's a call away. Need money.... I am not reachable!

I told you that we value experience and that is why you are being given the used company vehicle.

What luck! Even a fortune cookies delivers me a pink slip!

What if there were no search engines? Great question, wait.. let me search it!

I am ready to take the moral responsibility, boss... I've now got a better job!

I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years, I'll make sure I'll not be there.

I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Mahatma Gandhi

The management has decided to increase your responsibility. You'll now prepare a status report on status report on daily basis.

Life is too short to remove the USB safely.
Source: Short Funny Quotes Blog

Police Officer: Do you speak English?
Katie: Yes.
Officer: Where are you from?
Kati: Yes.

How do you know your kitchen is filthy?
The slugs leave trails on the floor that read "Clean me."

A clean tie always attracts the soup of the day.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

My friend told me I have anger management problems... So I hit him over the head with a chair.

What I like about you is that you remind me about when I was young and stupid.

Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!

What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes?
He burped 7-Up.

He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss.

Men are beasts, and even beasts don't behave as they do.

That moment when you hear someone call your best-friend their best-friend and you're like... "Ummmmm, no bitch.?
After losing a breaststroke in woman's swimming competition, the blonde complained that the other competitors were using their arms.

Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can't.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 15 minutes?
It said "concentrate".

Typing lol, when you're sitting there with less expression than a brick.

I wish cancer got cancer and died.

I bet people who work at Starbucks think, "So damn tired of these kids coming in here and taking pictures of their coffee."

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs.

May I take your order?" the blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy:Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy :No, mine is undying love.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

A man goes to the doctor and says: Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.
What do you mean? Doctor asks
Him: When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.
I got to know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger! Doctor replies.

People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

She's the first in her family born without tail.

When butterflies get nervous, do they feel humans in their stomach?

What’s an eight-letter word with all the letters in it?
Alphabet

What did the pony say when it had a sore throat?
I apologize, I am a little horse.

An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Hey, where's my tractor?"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Why is a classroom like an old car?
Simply because it is full of nuts, and has a crank at the front.

"I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night."
- James Thurber - US Writer, Humorist, and Cartoonist

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fssssssshhhhhh.

Where do geologists go for entertainment?
To rock concerts.

A skeleton walked into a bar. "What will it be?", asked the bartender. "I'll have a beer and a mop," said the skeleton.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Albert Einstein

What is a prehistoric monster called when it sleeps?
A dinoSNORE!

A word beginning with Z.
Xylophone..

What do you call a lion who wears an ascot?
A dandelion!

Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!

Kid: For $10, I’ll be good.
Father: Lol, When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

What did the candle say when he was down on his luck?
I’m at wick’s end.

What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!

Boss comes and you are mad finding that one tab out of those 15 tabs to find out from where the music is coming! Hahaha

"It is mandatory to grow old, optional to grow up."

"Imagine a world without hypothetical situations."

"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless."
- Sinclair Lewis

"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too."
- Lichty & Wagner

"Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair." - Hillary Clinton

"You know, she speaks eighteen different languages. And she can't say "No" in any of them."
- Dorothy Parker - speaking of an acquaintance

"Where does she find them?"
- Dorothy Parker - in reply to "Anyway, she's always very nice to her inferiors."

"Excuse my dust"
- Dorothy Parker

"You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience."
- Stanislaw J. Lem

"One man's folly is another man's wife." - Helen Rowland

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby." - Natalie Wood

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock

"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
- J. Heller

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - Dave Berry

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." - Don Marquis

"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first." - George Carlin

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." - Steven Wright

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
- Elvis Presley

"I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants."
- Elvis Presley

"I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town."
- Michael Prichard

"Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner

"The young always have the same problem--how to rebel and conform at the same time.

"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."
- David Letterman

Fun doesn't end here, continue entertaining yourself and others, you just need to have that willingness to create more fun..