I work at Subway, you work at Mcdonalds. I’ll give you a footlong and you’ll be lovin’ it

You must be peanut butter because you’re making my legs feel like jelly

Awesome

'People love to have laughter and these Awesome Funny Quotes can give them a good chance to enjoy. So read share and have fun.'

I fell for your personality, your looks are just a bonus..

Yelling ''STAY!''at a non-living object that keeps falling over as if it's going to listen to you.

I can't believe that I wanted to grow up.

If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.
- Raymond Chandler

You're pretty when I'm drunk.
- The Bloodhound Gang

"BABY YOU ARE LIKE A BARBIE!" "Awww Thanks, Tall and Beautiful, Right?" "NO. PLASTIC AND NO BRAIN."

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
- Ed McMahon

Love your haters, because after all, they are your biggest fans

A spider just crawled onto my keyboard... But Don't Worry, it's under Ctrl.

Yoga pants with no ass is like a wallet with no money.

I don't need to flirt.. I will seduce you with my awkwardness..

When life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a bitch".

Internet Connection Fail* ? Wait Patiently ? Click the refresh button a million times!

The awkward moment when people think you're drunk when in fact you're just a blast naturally.

Always borrow money from a pessimist He won’t expect it back

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich

Yes, it really happens. When men are in the company of women, they only seek for just two things: either some love or some food! So if their body language is not telling you the symptoms of hug, serve them something to eat!

We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.

Wicked jokes are ornery one but they are capable of making you laugh so enjoy:

This lady was all like "Gimme Yo Shoes"
And I was like "Witch Please"

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.

Homework: because 7 hours of school wasn't enough.

If I actually "spoke my mind," I'd be in deep shit.

In awkward situations, we all pretend to text.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.

I smile because I have no idea what is my fault at?

One of the thing that binds us as a family is a shard sense of humor.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. - Harry S. Truman

Nothing sucks more than

One of the things that binds us is our not caring attitude.

I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!

Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.

I smile because I have no idea what is going on.

Women are scientifically proven to be right even when they are wrong.

Why cant i cry money instead of tears

Best kind of laughter: Laughing so hard your laugh becomes silent.